my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
