Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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