my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
