..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
