census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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