I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
