We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize