our cab driver is having phone sex.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
