Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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