You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I didn't notice because vodka
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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