This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
