i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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