R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
sarcasm needs its own font
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
