the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize