how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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