Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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