alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
