I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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