Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
