Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Found the puke drawer
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
