i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
