You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
