May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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