new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Still dying that you shit outside
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
