i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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