You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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