I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize