my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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