today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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