I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If I die, sorry about rent.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize