Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You ruined the universe
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
