thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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