Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
