remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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