the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
COCAINE IS GR8
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
