What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
