areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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