did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
