im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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