I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
