Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
