I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
