The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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