Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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