There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
