she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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