I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
