bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
