Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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