i was born a porn star she said
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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