Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
