We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
