Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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