kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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