I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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