her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My breasts were aching with rage.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
