Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just had sex bonerless
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
