Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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