watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
