glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
