My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
